Sunshine

Even though it was a shitty week in several ways, a really nice thing happened too. I need quarters for my laundry. I had lots of them through the fall and winter, but then I ran out. 

I was stressing about how to get more because I don't really pay cash for anything and there's a change shortage so they don't really want to give you quarters in the stores or even the bank (so I'd heard). 

I was in the grocery store and I asked the clerk, a woman about my age, if she could spare a couple dollars of quarters and she said "I'll sell you a whole roll." It was so sweet. She didn't have to do that. In fact, she's probably not supposed to do that. Made my day.

God dammit

Oh my God, I'm just never gonna get free of this vampire motherfucker. After the divorce was settled, I got notification of an overdue tax bill which I believe is from the (apparently unreported) payout he got from Texas Roadhouse (which I certainly didn't get half of!) $12,000!!!!! But now it's only $10,000 because my tax return this year was used to pay it. This is so unfair. I was counting on that money for the closing costs on my house. I'm so upset and there's absolutely nothing I can do, that money is gone. I might be able to get it on the back end if/when we go back to court. Fuuuuuuck!

Money and love

Today my therapist asked me essentially "what do you think you owe your kids?" I want my kids to feel loved. I want them to feel supported. Which I didn't feel when I was growing up and certainly not after I left home at 17. I want them to feel like I still care about them even though I live far away and they're basically adults. 

Unfortunately, I think Cal equates love with money and spending money on him. I'm not thrilled about that, but, if that's how he measures love, then that's what I'm gonna do I guess. My sister said, why don't you ask him? And that's a great idea. I have the sense that his "love language" might be gifts (it certainly isn't quality time), but I could check when we get together in May.

Need to reassess

I asked my friend to look at pictures that Larry and Stefanie posted from the Texas Roadhouse conference. Partly, I was curious about the tone of the conference, how raucous it would be now that the team is getting a bit older... I was very interested to see that all the pictures they posted were just the 2 of them, along with some pictures of the hotel property. None of Larry with any of his friends from the conference and no group shots at all with the rest of the NY team. I thought that was very revealing. I experienced the conference as being this big pep rally, and everyone on the NY team acts like they're so close...people use the word "family," which I think is weird and fake (tbh) - I barely know these people adn they didn't know me at all. There is a subgroup of folks who I think socialize a bit and are actually friends, but, mostly, they only see each other twice a year.

Anyway, what I found truly stunning was that my friend happened to catch this incredibly fawning comment that Bobbie left on a picture of the 2 of them with Stefanie's hair in braids. I guess my understanding of her current relationship with Larry is way off what it really is. I had been feeling so bad for her, thinking they were estranged. Apparently, bygones are completely bygones now. Whatever discomfort she had over Stefanie last year has clearly been relieved - they're besties now apparently. I post to FB all the time and Bobbie never comments, let alone like this. Wow. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a bit hurt, but, more than that, I'm really surprised. I assume Larry has brought Stefanie to visit sometime over the winter, how else would her and Bobbie be this buddy-buddy? I mean, when he and Cal went to the football game in NJ, they didn't visit Bobbie, they stayed in a hotel (though she is relatively close to the stadium). But maybe since then? I can't quite figure out what the timeline is. Or maybe they haven't met and Bobbie is just trying to mend fences (as if she owes them). The whole thing is making my brain hurt. And now I'm nervous for Louisville.

 

Being known

Today I listened to a speaker talk about indigenous art and scholarship, and the inherent exoticization of the process. Her points regarding agency and consent are so interesting. And how the museum is a limited vehicle for preservation of cultures which come from an entirely different framework (different from the culture of the typically Eurocentric museum).

My thoughts are mostly from a psychology viewpoint. I contend that people want to be known. That many outgroups want to be accepted and understood by others, by the ingroup. She is starting from the premise that indigenous cultures have been exploited and misrepresented, so they are more than cautious, they are trying to protect themselves. Where is that line? (She thinks exotic is a negative term, but I see it more as neutral because human brains are designed to see others as different. It's more the way a person reacts to difference that matters, which is maybe what she means by exoticization.) She says there is a conversation (in critical theory circles) about whether indigenous culture CAN be known. Of course not, not in the sense that she means. She notes that one way of knowing cannot be (truly) understood via another way of knowing. I accept that. But then why display your art at all or write scholarly papers or attend conferences? It's necessary to be clear what the goal is. Not perfect understanding, of course. But a level of knowing and appreciation is possible and desirable.

I think Jews have definitely been exoticized, and also been targeted and scapegoated. I think we have a complex relationship with being known. Like Native Americans, we want to be seen and appreciated and valued and acknowledged, but have reasonable concerns about protecting ourselves as well.

I would have liked to pose a question about this, but my colleague had registered for the webinar, not me, so I didn't have access to the chat, plus it was lunch time and we had another meeting right after, so I didn't feel like I could press for the time and space to get into the discussion, unfortunately.

Annual Conference

 I am ridiculously tickled that the Texas Roadhouse annual conference, happening right now, is on a Disney property, Dolphins and Swans (or something like that). There are so many Texas Roadhouse people who, I'm sure, are having tremendous cognitive dissonance throughout the event. I wonder if some chose not to attend, since the Trumper knuckle draggers are canceling Disney.

Of course I could also use a free vacation in Florida right now. I can't help wondering if anybody notices my absence. There were some lovely wives I always saw at the conference. It's been 2 years since they had one, so the change is new to them. I really wonder if anybody is scratching their head right now at the switcho-chango that Larry pulled.

Uncomfortable book club

I can't think of many things more uncomfortable than discussing a provocative book by a terrific Black writer with a bunch of really clueless White people. Ugh! Almost immediately, they dismissed the whole premise of the book, since they have no sense of what the story is actually about. It was painful. We have so much work to do.

I choose to take this as a compliment

Conversation in a meeting at work this week about what workshops we are offering in the fall through the Grad School. We offered 4 this past year. Guess which one they asked for again nex tfall? Might be a coincidence, it probably it, but the only one they want again is the one I taught...

Haircut story

When I arrived in Grand Forks, I knew I would eventually need to find someone to cut my hair. I spoke to a couple of women (one whose haircut, similar to my style, I really liked) and they recommended Avant, this chi chi salon downtown. I'm always skeptical of fancy places, because, in general, you just pay more for the same thing, but I also thought that it's dumb to ask for recommendations and then ignore them.

I was able to delay the inevitable because I went back to Syracuse in Oct and again in Dec and was able to get my haircut by Susan, my regular stylist, both times.

But now it's been several months and I had to make a decision. I tried to make an appt through their website, but it didn't work, so I called Avant and spoke to their prissy receptionist, who told me they had a cancellation and I could come that night for the low low price of $54 (which is more than my Syracuse stylist by more than 25%) because Tanja is a "master stylist." I think that's highway robbery, but now I'm committed to getting this over with and taking the plunge.

Several things happened which put me off:

I actually got the appt at their other location (not downtown). It's in a little strip mall very near where I work. I drove past the first time because the strip mall is shaped like an L and it's hard to see the salon from the street. Why didn't the prissy receptionist, who knew I was new in town (because I made a point to tell her) mention where they are located? Later, I mentioned to the stylist that I drove past the first time and she said, yeah, people can't find them. Again, why doesn't the receptionist help you with that!

Next thing that happened is that I was left to wait for 10 minutes in the waiting area, which I thought was rude. My Syracuse stylist is always right there, ready for you. Tanja was in the back, presumably taking a break. I don't begrudge anyone a break, but I find that a lot of places (including doctor's offices) have strict policies about being late, but have no problem wasting your time.  I think leaving me to cool my heels for 10 minutes past the appointment time is definitely pushing it.

So I'm already a little nervous and a little irritated. The stylist puts some oil in my hair before the shampoo, which I'm not thrilled about, but especially I don't understand why she doesn't ask me if I want it, or at least explain what she's using on my hair. When I asked her what it is, she kind of brushes off my question, like it's a stupid question - "it's hair oil [you idiot]." (But I have never, in my many many years, had anyone put oil in my hair at the start of the process, I guess I'm just too low class.) She's supposedly giving me a scalp massage with this oil, but she's rubbing it into my hair and sort of scratching my scalp with her fingers, neither of which is relaxing. I've had scalp massages and this ain't what one feels like.

I told her I wanted the same basic style, just trimmed and shaped. She said "half an inch?" and I hesitated, so she said "an inch?" and I said, I guess, yes.

I mention that I have been rinsing my hair with vinegar because the water is so hard here. And she says, do you live outside of town? And I say no, and she says, they have hard water outside of town. Like I'm wrong, the water isn't hard. But it's hard compared to the water where I used to live. I mean, wtf. I just don't understand this customer service style, where the customer is always wrong... (I think this is a good example of just how superficial "midwest nice" really is - people are nice but it's just on the surface.)

Now we shampoo, during which she is chatting, but, at some point, I sort of talked over her, not on purpose, but it seemed to annoy her, like I wasn't chatting the right way, and she didn't ask me anything else after that.

So we go to her chair and she cuts my hair, but, as she starts to blow dry, I say it's a little longer than I wanted. She's clearly irritated. She says "I cut the 1 inch you asked for [you idiot]." Then she asks if I want her to cut more. But of course, I don't want her to cut my hair if she's annoyed with me. Like, if you send food back to the kitchen in a restaurant, they're just gonna spit in it.

I was so discouraged that she didn't want me to be happy with it, especially for $54, which is a lot of money, and she's supposedly a "master" ffs. And she knows I'm new in town, I could be a new regular customer for her. But instead, she's scolding me for not knowing exactly what 1 inch would look like.

I said, no, thanks, it's fine. I paid the prissy receptionist and left a 20% tip, though it killed me to do it.

I won't be back of course. And it's a perfectly nice cut, though I wouldn't call it "master" level, and it's too long. And I don't know any of what she used on my hair (oil, shampoo, conditioner, styling creme) but my hair was satiny for sure (silky smooth!). I would have liked to know what she used because it clearly worked for my hair and this hard water (!) but she never told me about any of it - I guess that is not part of the service. 

It could have been a good experience. But it wasn't. I guess I'll try the downtown salon next time. But I noticed there is a salon around the corner from my new house, I might try them...

Epilogue. They sent me customer satisfaction survey. I rated them 3/5 (a gift) and said "My expectations were too high." I didn't hear back.

Elite singles

I canceled Silver Singles (apparently owned by Elite Singles) the day before the automatic renewal, but it renewed anyway (!) The screen on my account page offers me the option to reactivate but not to cancel (!) 

I called customer service on Monday and they were closed due to unforseen circumstances (!) Today I spent over an hour on hold and finally gave up. I chose the call back option and I got a call after about 20 minutes. 

Turns out, you have to cancel 24 hours before the renewal date I don't know exactly how that is calculated, since the "date" IS 24 hours, but I clearly missed that window. And they give no refunds on subscriptions. 

So my chat with the condescending Nick in customer service (not to mention the hour on hold) was a complete waste of my time. What a scam! 

Now I have this crap site for another 3 months. I'm still planning to focus on trying to meet someone IRL during the spring and summer months because I have given online dating a very good shot and it is just not working out for me...

Wrong side of town

Almost as soon as I moved here, I heard people speaking dismissively about the "north side"of Grand Forks. The new (upscale) building is all happening on the south side. I'm not sure exactly what is wrong with the north side - the homes are older there, but they are are also older on the east side and no one says "east side" with a sneer in their voice. 

If that was where the minorities lived, I could understand it. I guess it's just the poorer white people. Though many of the houses in other areas are similarly small and dilapidated. And there's plenty of nicer homes on the north side. So it's just a perception or a prejudice (or maybe there is other history that I don't know about).

Anyway, the house I'm buying is on the north side and I'm pretty tickled about it. I kind of like the idea of being in the wrong neighborhood, whatever that even means...

Bye bye silver singles

Had an extremely disappointing lunch date today (more on that below). My subscription to Silver Singles is expiring and I'm going to let it. I've had a couple of dates, but mostly it's been men ignoring my messages and rednecks messaging me. (Why am I so popular with the truck drivers? Though, come to think of it, they probably contact lots of women, and most of those men are probably married.) Anyway, it's not worth the money. I think I'll concentrate on meeting some people in person, now that the weather is improving. There should be lots of events and activities in the next few months. I'm going to try to find some kind of hiking club to join.

This guy seemed quite promising initially - he's smart and educated. He reads (whee!) Like me, he was married about 25 years, has a couple of grown kids. But he talked and talked and talked. We spent 3 hours at the restaurant and I doubt I talked 20% of the time. He would stop to ask me a question, I would say a couple of sentences, and then he would take over whatever topic he had raised (e.g., he asked me if I liked Grand Forks) and talk for, I'm not kidding, 20 minutes or more without stopping. Eventually, he would ask me another question and the cycle would continue. He literally talked for 45 minutes straight when I asked him about his older son (his step-son). I know WAY too much about his in-laws and the trouble he's had with him. He literally doesn't know anything about me after 3 hours. He doesn't even know what I do for a living, how many kids I have, anything. It was exhausting. I don't understand this approach to dating. I honestly don't mind a talker, but omg, there's a limit. When he started talking about Grand Forks, it included a long story about the niece of the woman he used to date: she lives here, and she's bisexual, and they went with her to a drag show, and and and. wtaf? Why do I want to hear about this? Why would anyone on a first date tell this kind of story? It's just beyond me. When we left the restaurant, he said, "Do you want to do something else or should we call it?" I mean, seriously? Like Joe, the last guy I had a meal with in Fargo, and especially Russell, the former pastor here in GF, I don't think this guy had one iota of interest in me as a person. He certainly didn't act like it - I'm just a sounding board for their talking. Just like Russell, as we were leaving, he said, "Nice talking to you" and I thought, in both situations: they mean "nice talking AT you." I can't imagine having sex with this guy, not that he could shut up long enough to do it. Back to the drawing board.

Winning!

In one week, everything has turned around...

I saw a house, made an offer on it, and it was accepted! Closing is on June 15th - I will officially be a two-state real estate mogul! Wow! Just in time for my current apt lease to end. And this house is close to perfect - tiny, 2 bedrooms, all on one floor. 

The only downside is the huge yard - it's an 8600 square foot lot. Ugh. I spoke to the neighbor and she said she just got a ride-on mower. Yucky. I was definitely trying to avoid that. But plenty of room for both a cute doggie (should I decide to bring him here from NY) and chickens! And it has a fruit tree on the lot, so that's a bonus. The only other tree is an evergreen, so there shouldn't be tons of yard waste to deal with. And there's a little paved area in the back yard that is just begging for a fire pit.

I'm chatting with a new guy who seems a little promising (probably not my soul mate, but that's okay). We're having lunch this weekend.*

And I found a cat on Craigslist, so I'm meeting him this weekend too.*

The Universe decided to offer me some balance after a few very rough weeks. Whoot!

*UPDATE: Neither the guy nor the cat worked out, but they both made me feel better at a time I was down, so I thank the Universe for them.

Latest child support development

We had a very, very short conference call with the court and his majesty decided he now wants legal representation (he's had almost 8 months to choose this option if he wanted to). I think it's just a delaying tactic, honestly. 

I spoke to my brother about whether I should get an attorney and he doesn't think so. This particular action is just in response to the non-payment complaint I filed. Leo asked what his majesty's "excuse" for nonpayment is and I said, "I have no idea, he never offered one." He has complained about how financially burdensome this is, but that's frankly laughable. He just doesn't want to pay. He is a classic narcissist - I know sees himself as the victim here: my bitch of an ex-wife is trying to rip me off. That bitch has a job, she can support herself. (He literally said this second one, way back at the start of this process. Even though I told him that the spousal maintenance money will mostly be spent on the kids.)

If He Who Shall Not Be Named wants to renegotiate the terms, he has to file a request with the court. For that, I would definitely get an attorney. But this moron (and his TWICE divorced girlfriend) are apparently too stupid (or too drunk all the time) to understand just what a great deal he got. If he wants to reopen the negotiation, I will ask for EVERYTHING I'm entitled to - the full amount for the full 13 years. Retroactively.

When I told my therapist about the latest developments, he literally asked me why I'm reluctant to nail him to the wall. That is an excellent question. It is NOT sentiment. It's really just that I don't want to hire a lawyer. I figure it'll cost me close to what I'm owed (at least several thousand dollars) - it feels so wasteful! And I have SO many things I would rather spend that money on. (And. though it is a pipe dream and a fantasty, I want this man, this person I once cherished, to behave like an adult, like a FATHER!) Now that I have my contract money, I'm feeling a little less frugal. I'm actually starting to relish the thought of a confrontration. Maybe that's what I needed all along for some closure.

Finding the line

People tell you who they are. It's a cliche, but it's also true. Oftetimes we ignore it, and sometimes that's a good thing. Because often the bad in a person is balanced by the good. And sometimes we give people the benefit of the doubt because we care about them. Sometimes we just cut them a break. 

And sometimes we're delusional about it. Sometimes we pretend that we don't notice the red flags, the warning signs. Sometimes we convince ourselves that we don't notice. And that's bad because we get hurt or we stay in a bad situation way past its expiration date.

It's hard to know where the line is - where you've crossed over into delution and away from just being gracious or kind.

Spring fever

I'm feeling so restless and regularly blue right now, which I blame on the change of seasons. I can't find a house to buy and I can't find a guy to date...I can't even find a cat to adopt (I'm been focusing on Craigslist rehoming postings and several have fallen through). I've had a couple of promising friendships kind of sputter out for no reason that is apparent to me (both these women have said kind of mean or dismissive things to me that lead me to think we aren't really friends; I'm learning just how superficial "Midwest nice" really is). And the weather became sort of springy in March and then April has been mostly cold and even snowy, and it's downright depressing. 

I feel like spring (and summer!) are right around the corner and what am I doing? I don't want to take all my road trips alone. I want to listen to music and go to festivals, but not alone. I even talked to someone about how hard it's been to meet people my age (which felt very vulnerable to me) and they acted understanding but sort of brushed me off too. I feel a little unmoored and frustrated and discouraged. I'm not sure what to do to feel better. Though I had two very nice conversations with old friends this weekend and that definitely helped a little.

Insight from an NPR interview

I was listening to an interview on NPR and they were talking about working moms and work-life balance. The guest said something about how it's okay to be away from your kids as long as they feel immersed in or surrounded by your love (I can't quite remember the exact word she used). And I thought: that was Larry's gift - he was never around, but he was so generous and outgoing and fun loving that he made everyone feel loved. Of course that faded a lot in the last 10 years or so, but it was very true in the beginning with me and, later, when the kids were young. I have been thinking a lot about when that started to be less true and then of course in the last couple of years how it became not true at all. It sort of makes me feel better about tolerating our damaged and damaging situation for so long, seeing how this was a significant factor (that and him being a compulsive liar and pretending for so so so long).

Leading with cynicism

 Another J-Date story: I started chatting with this guy and he almost immediately says everyone is shitty so why bother. I mean, why are you on the site if you think it's bullshit? And why would you respond this way to someone who is being sincere with you?

Douche alert

 If I thought J-Date was going to be a higher class of guys, I was immediately disabused of that delusional thought - he prefers "ethnic beauties" and who are "fit" and "far younger." 😱