smdh

The cliche! He owned Fords the *entire* time we lived in NY, but gets divorced and gets a BMW. The timing of this is so galling: 2 weeks after he told the family court magistrate that he would settle the arrears (I haven't gotten a cent) AND the day I got back from Louisville with his kids from a family event for his side of the family (I paid for all the travel, hotel, gift - no contribution from him). 

 

FINALLY!

 

I'm now a multi-state real estate mogul - I own homes in 2 states! Eric (my agent) took this photo Monday evening after the walkthrough. A storm had come through and it was nice for a bit and was just starting to sprinkle again during this photo. The morning of the signing was gorgeous - blue sky and not too hot. 

I lost a weekend I thought I had to move (as the closing date was shifted), but it was scorching hot and would have been miserable. Thank goodness this coming weekend should be milder and basically perfect moving weather. 

I had only seen the house in the winter - I'm SO pleasantly surprised by the landscaping - there are 3 more peonies in the back (all white) and a fruit producing grapevine in the back as well (the neighbor said she made jam with the previous owner a couple of years ago!) There is a pretty nice shed on the back of the property and it has some gardening stuff in it, including a roll of chicken wire.

Discouraing development

 For the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished Department: 

I volunteered to attend an online conference in March. I was impressed with a workshop about teaching faculty and graduate students how to cope with anti-science and the misuse of science. I contacted the presenter, who happens to be the new(ish) Social Science librarian at SU (!) We chatted about presenting the workshop at UND and presenting at ACRL in 2023 (in Pittsburgh).

I was at a grad student event about a month later and mentioned the workshop to the workshop coordinator, who expressed a lot of enthusiasm. The Grad School Dean was at the event and the coordinator encouraged me to tell him about it. I did, and we had a great conversation about anti-science, COVID, etc.

At the first CFL meeting about fall workshops, I mentioned the workshop and the ACRL presentation, and the coordinator said the grad school was interested in some new workshop topics and it seemed like this was great timing. I was super excited, everything was falling into place.

Then, at the next meeting about workshops, I heard that we are doing the same workshops as last year. I contacted the grad school workshop coordinator to confirm this and she said they (her and the CFL liaison) didn't know what the "learning objectives" of the workshop were. Huh? So why didn't they ask me? Why are they deciding that my workshop is off the table without involving me at all? I can't believe both these women just KICKED ME TO THE CURB, knowing how invested I was in this.

Now it's awkward because I have tell the SU guy that we can only teach the workshop through the library, not the grad school.

But wait, there's more.  

The SU guy had sent me a draft of the ACRL proposal for me to review. In it, he said something about teaching the course at a religious university, so of course I was confused, and I said UND is a public school. When I heard back from him, a couple weeks later, he said he thought I was at Notre Dame. What? And he took me (and my crap school) out of the proposal and submitted it. He said we can add me back in later, but it seems like he's happy to move on without me and UND. I can't believe he also KICKED ME TO THE CURB without the slightest concern for how I might feel about it.

I'm so upset about this whole process. Yet again, my enthusiasm and effort is for nothing. Though I guess the silver lining is I don't have to figure out how to force this workshop into the lineup and I don't have to let down the SU guy. #win-win

Dating dead ends

For weeks, I got absolutely no action on the 2 dating websites I pay for and then I got a couple of interesting possibilities which have since evaporated for various reasons. 

One guy seemed very lively and fun, but he stopped responding to me, so I guess, like all the guys I actually find interesting, I'm not interesting enough for him. 

Another guy was interested in getting together, but he suggested a road trip to Minneapolis, which I thought was bizarre for a 1st date (no way I'm getting in a car with someone I don't know and driving out across Minnesota's desolate landscape). A week or so later, after much missed connection, we spoke on the phone. In 14 minutes, he just vomited out a ton of oversharing, like he filed for divorce because his wife was a compulsive shopper, and his minister scolded him for not sticking it out with her. Um, what? Can't we start with our hobbies or maybe what kind of restaurants we like? I don't understand how he can think this is a good approach for an initial conversation. And literally the only thing he asked me about myself is where I moved from and why, which is pretty much the extent of these guy's interest in me as a person from my experience so far in ND.

It doesn't seem like either of these will end up being anything. Just more dead ends. Just more guys who are only window shopping.

Bridgerton music

If possible, I'm even more obsessed with the classical covers of pop songs in Season 2 of Bridgerton than I was of Season 1. I think this list of the 10 most dominant songs in the Kate-Anthony story describes perfectly why each fits the scene where it is heard.

Modern marriage

Wow, this is exactly how I was approaching my marriage and it's rather nice to see it described as a good and brave choice. Too bad I was the only one...

House buying stress

For the third time, the mortgage company has contacted me for additional paperwork after telling me that everything is now complete. It is stressing me out! 

Each time, they act like it's utterly life and death - the mortgage can't be approved without it.

Once was making Cal sign a form as my "renter" and pay the first month's "rent" (which I returned almost immediately to him). 

The newest one has to do with what they insist on calling the "alimony" (in NY it's called "spousal support"). The underwriter wants to count the alimony as income (but not the child support) because that money is needed to make the numbers work. But because that asshole hasn't been paying the full amount, the numbers in the report sent from Child Support Enforcement don't support the figures in the divorce decree (and on the mortgage app). And, it turns out, the underwriter or Fannie Mae or whoever makes these fucking arbitrary rules, won't count ANY of the alimony since it's not the full amount.

It also turns out, they're excluding the child support because I have to get it for 3 years after the mortgage is awarded and I won't because Alana will turn 21 in about 2 1/2 years. A completely ridiculous rule that excludes income I have RIGHT NOW, but won't have in the future. And, of course, I use that money to pay for the house in NY that they're making me show that I'm getting paid rent for. 

They also won't count my APA money because another rule is you have to hold a part-time job for TWO YEARS for it to count as income, regardless of the amount. What kind of complete bullshit is that? That really fucks over so many people who could buy a home, but won't qualify because of this arbritrary standard.

I really don't understand how I could have been preapproved for $140,000 and now I can't be approved for $110,000. How is my salary not enough money to pay for a small inexpensive house????????

My mortgage broker is trying to make the numbers work, I guess, but it was yet another uncomfortable phone call. And, more to the point, my life is still controlled in too many ways by Larry's behavior, which is just infuriating!!!!

ADDENDUM

I literally was not going to get the mortgage, because of all the income they were excluding and all the debt they were including (both the kids' cars count against me, even though they make the payments themselves) so I suggested paying off my car loan to get it out of the income-debt ratio. Apparently that gets the figure to JUST UNDER 45%, which is where is has to be. But I have to take Alana's college money to do it (it's over $8000). In theory, I can repay it by July 15, when Larry is supposed to pay the child support arrears. However, he has paid nothing yet. And my June APA check has yet to be deposited - it will also be needed to repay her account. I'm happy that I was able to make this work, but it's also completely deflating - I had plans for that money: to pay the fucking back taxes that Larry stuck us with, and to help Alana with school, and make some improvements on my house and pay for the gutter repair. I'm just so discouraged by this whole process. I suppose once I'm in the house, it will all be a faded memory, but, right now, I feel like shit about it.

Conflict avoidance

A few months ago, I had written about a work conflict that has mostly cleared up but I still feel uncomfortable around the person and basically avoid them (I didn't join a committee I was interested in because she is a member). Imagine my consternation when she started appearing in various social contexts this month - at the work game group and in one of the book clubs I go to. I like the game group, so I'm not leaving that, but the book group happens to be the one I like least - the books are good but the facilitator is not my cup of tea, so I might be passing on that one in the future.

It's none of my business, but this person seems to be trying to get their shit together. Not only these social engagements, but they are consistently getting to work on time and seem to be slightly more engaged in work meetings.