More disappointment

Except for all the typos, this profile looked super promising, maybe Bobby without the psychosis. I was a little suspicious of the photo - there was only one and it's not a selfie, it's a photo taken by someone else, which is a red flag in my experience.

I was very direct and the first thing he asked me is how long have you been on the site, which is a huge red flag - it's not a real question. Plus, it just doesn't seem like the way the guy who wrote that profile would respond to an invitation for coffee. Oh well. I guess Grand Forks online dating is going to be just as pointless as it was in NY.

I realize now it's marketing research, not a scam! See post on Sept 10...

Struggling with child support

Yet again, I'm forced to be Larry's conscience. He's slipping further and further behind what is owed according to our divorce agreement (also known as COURT ORDER), because TXRH will not garnish his bonus check. I spoke to Child Support Enforcement twice, including to a supervisor, who basically said that they asked TXRH for the money but TXRH claimed they are garnishing the maximum; they say there is nothing else they can do. It's insane that he makes so much money and I can't get the little scrap I agree to. Apparently my next move is to file a document with family court, noting he is out of compliance - I downloaded the form from the internet and I can file it for free, no lawyer needed.

Here's his sad, sad response (after I texted and called him for 24 hours with no reply). Trying to act like he can't afford it - he ONLY gets $1200 a month to live on, um, "plus his bonus" (which is 2/3 of his compensation - as his W-2 clearly documents). 

He's saving a lot of money, living in Watertown in Stefanie's house, and he's saving hundreds of dollars in gas not driving back and forth. Plus, she's his marketing person at the restaurant now, so her income has increased substantially! And the expense he mentions, paying for "online services for everyone" is a few dollars a month for Netflix and Hulu, which he would pay anyway (I'm sure his new family uses those services) - he doesn't pay hundreds for wifi or cable access anymore (at least not for us). Plus he doesn't spend any money on the kids - no gifts, no meals out, no trips to the mall - that all has to come out of the child support and maintenance (which is fine, if I was actually getting the full amount).

I have bills too, including car insurance for the kids, which went up when Alana bought her car. And I pay 100% of the kids' health insurance - he should have to pay half according to NY law, but I negotiated that away as well.

I just love how he always starts "I'm trying to pay..." A huge lie. All he cares about is getting the garnishment off, but he will still have to pay the full $2500 each month, which he's not doing now. The current situation is benefitting him substantially - he has $1300 in his pocket that belongs to me and will have even more on Aug 1. I don't know why he isn't just coasting on these circumtances, considering how much it is helping him. He's obsessed with not getting "credit" for what he paid in May, but, so what, he's still way ahead financially. Maybe he's too dumb to understand it.

Just some quick math: he makes almost $200K a year, even at a tax rate of 35%, his TAKEHOME pay is about $10K a month. If he gives me what the court ORDERED him to (and he agreed to), $2500, he still has over $7000 a month for his "bills!" (My takehome is about $3K - less than half what he has AFTER he pays me; even if you add what he gives me, he still has more than me and I'm supporting Alana.)

North Dakota time

 Well, I'm here now and I feel poised on the cusp of a new life. But of course you bring yourself with you, so it's not really a new life, just a continuation.

For that reason, I'm feeling a lot of trepidation about trying to find someone here. My efforts in NY were so fruitless and discouraging.

I've been thinking a lot about 2 movie quotes.

One is from Four Weddings and a Funeral, when Tom explains his romantic expectations to Charlie:

Unlike you, I never expected "the thunderbolt." I always just hoped that, that I'd meet some nice, friendly girl, like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the question and, um, settle down and be happy.

The other is from Sense and Sensibility, when Elinor explains her romantic expectations to  Marianne:

After all that is bewitching in the idea of one's happiness depending entirely on one person, it is not always possible.  

What Jane Austen originally wrote is an expansion of that idea:

After all that is bewitching in the idea of a single and constant attachment, and all that can be said of one's happiness depending entirely on any particular person, it is not meant, it is not fit, it is not possible, that it should be so.

 

Light bulb moment

 Darling daughter was telling me about conversations she had recently with her boyfriend and her best friend and noted that, while they have disputes about "little things," they agree on the "big things." 

It really struck me in that moment why I had held out the hope for my marriage for so long, until the very, bitter end, and why I was still stunned when Larry just walked away: I considered the problems we were having, including him going out to bars and drinking so much, as "little things," and I thought that the "big things," like our marriage vows and our commitment to our kids and us as a family, were assumed and that we were still in agreement over them, that they were enduring and would see us through. 

I realize now that we didn't agree on the big things, or, the things I saw as little things, like Larry's need to be the center of attention, were actually big things that mattered more and were areas where we did not agree. It seems so clear now. It helps to explain why I'm still having so much trouble feeling closure.

Just so I don't forget, one of my few text messages addressing his behavior: