High energy personality

 I was tabling at a conference today on campus...this was after a campus event yesterday evening, and I ran into someone from the College of Ed who attended both events. She asked me "where do you get your energy?" That's so interesting to me because I have thought, more than once, that ND seems a little low energy in general. I think my energy level partly comes growing up out west, where everyone is very hearty and active, as well as living on the east coast for so many years, where life is fast paced and you'll get run over (metaphorically and literally) if you don't keep up. I also think I'm just a high energy person, kind of "born this way," though of course, it's hard to tell what is nature and what is nuture.   

Conversation and friendship

I went to an event at the local winery this weekend, and, as I was leaving, I bumped into somebody I sort of know and stopped to chat. After about an hour of listening to this person talk, I made my excuses and left.

I was struck by how typical this interaction is, and how similar to so many others I have had since moving to the area. This person talked almost the whole time, didn't ask me questions, or give me much of a chance to respond. They told me about the places they have lived and got into a whole thing about national parks.  Though I have lived in many places, and visited many national parks for that matter, I never got the chance to share any information in this not-really-a conversation.

I have a new theory about developing friendships that this most recent interaction seems to further support. Though I typically ask questions and show an interest in the other person when in conversation, this behavior is very rarely reciprocated by the people I have met here. I believe these people never really develop into friends because they never learn anything about me...when they see me the next time, although they have shared so much (often fairly intimate) information with me, we don't really have any deeper connection because the interaction has been so one-sided. 

I have no idea what to do about this, or even if there is any way to circumvent this. I have discussed this with (actual) friends and they have had similar experiences. I don't know if this is a reflection of the era we live in, or if it is more prevalent in the midwest than on the east coast (it certainly seems to be very noticeable to me here, compared to other places I have lived). I have lived here long enough to have a rather long list of acquaintences about whom I know a great deal, but who know almost nothing about me (nor do they seem to have ANY interest in learning about me or actually being friends). 

For awhile, I thought listening attentively to this aggressive sharing was the way to develop connections, but it is clear to me after the amount of time I've lived here, that I have been deluding myself, because it is just not the case - although I know a lot (often more than I want to know) about a number of people, they have clearly not become friends in any recognizable meaning of that word. When I bump into people I "know" at social events, as I did this weekend, we fall into the same pattern of one-sided "conversation," where I learn additional information about their lives and experiences, but they continue to learn nothing about (or show any interest in) me.

The longer I live here, the more I depend on my "real" friends outside the area - I talk with them on the phone, and have put more resources into leaving the area to visit them. Friendship is important to me and I have always put emotional energy into maintaining friendships. I am now pretty much resigned to depending on friendships from other places I've lived, and I don't really expect meaningful relationships to ever develop during my time in ND.

My brain is trying to kill me

I want to trade in my brain for a new one! 

I had this great instruction session yesterday, the professor told me it was really helpful. But I'm all in my head about it today - I shouldn't have said this, I shouldn't said that. 

I also did a little internal professional development training at work today - it's a new thing we're trying, and I was the first one to do it! I worked really hard on it, and I thought it was really great (though I'm a bit taken aback at how little engagement I got from my colleagues - I built in so many opportunities to weigh in on the topic; half the room looked aggressively uninterested and contributed absolutely nothing the entire time). Now, I'm all in my head about it, fretting about what I should have done differently - I shouldn't have included this, I should have included that. 

Holy shit, it's like an infection, or a disease.😬

TRIGGERED

 Triggered constantly by AirBnB guest who makes me think of Larry. He has 4 kids in Colorado with his ex; as far as I can tell, he doesn't talk with them. He comes across as a complete bullshitter, I doubt even half of what he says is true. He repeatedly offers to help me with the deck, but he spends the weekend away (Sat) and sleeping (Sun), then leaves for the bar before 4 pm.

He repeatedly tells me how much money he is making ($44/hr plus time and a half for all the extra hours), including an enormous per diem ($1400 a week) - why is he staying in my tiny, cheap place?

He goes out to bars every night, several nights coming back noticably drunk, especially Sat night, meaning he drives drunk, sometimes very drunk, every night (he even mentions this the last night he stayed). He repeatedly tells me I should go out to the bars, they are fun, that he drinks for free because he makes friends with the bartenders. Each time, I say that is not my scene, that I have other things to do.

The last night, he says GF has good night life. Then, a couple minutes later, he says he only plans to stay 6 months because how long can you go to the same bars?

Everything about him bugs me: the addiction and drunk driving bothers me, the lying and bullshitting and insincerity bothers me, the clear indication that he's a shitty father bothers me, the juvenile attitude and lifestyle bothers me, his self-perception that he is charming bothers me. I basically want to punch him in the face every time he opens his mouth...

He's a good guest - quiet, unobtrusive (he's never there, doesn't use the kitchen or even the frig), he offers to strip the bed. He stayed almost 2 weeks, I think the longest guest so far, and no trouble. Free money. My only complaint is that he closes the curtain and leaves the fan running when he's not there - the open window would air out the room more effectively and cheaper. But I couldn't wait for this motherfucker to leave so I could stop feeling furious...

Parenting has changed so much since I was young

 

This post and the comments kinda blew my mind. It was an absolute revelation that millenials and Gen Z are staying with their parents because their parents WANT them to. (My parents couldn't wait for me to leave and had no expectation that I would be back. Which is not at all the same thing as being "kicked out" - they expected me to start my independent adult life, as did I!)

Org dynamics

Finally got sort of connected to the local Democrats when a local person at the university invited me to a meeting and suggested I put my name on the ballot for an office in the local group. I was flattered to be asked (though she wanted me to run for Chair, even though I've never been to a meeting, which gave me flashbacks to the shit that happened with the Syracuse Temple Sisterhood). Long story short, although I was on the ballot, I was not elected - the person who invited me said the ballot had been rearranged and I had been moved to another position or something. Honestly, I don't know and I don't even care - I'm not really looking for a bunch of work to do. But it feels like this happens a lot here - I get asked to get involved and then I get sort of elbowed aside. 

At the first meeting I went to, I had a long chat with the student who is trying to get the UND College Dems group going and I thought we came up with a bunch of great ideas. Long story short, I volunteered to be their staff advisor for the year. Fast forward to the first meeting and, yet again, I felt elbowed out (I was talked over and cut off when I was speaking, and just generally treated like an interloper, though I was invited to get involved). Again, I'm not looking for shit to do. If they just want my name on the org paperwork, that's fine with me. I thought I was being helpful and I thought they wanted my help.

After that first meeting, I was told I didn't need to come to the meetings, which is fine with me. I don't hear anything for many weeks. In the meantime, I attend the monthly adult Dem meetings and the woman who was elected (not instead of me exactly, but still, she holds an office, I do not) is never there. I bump into one of the other UND folks at a Dem event a couple months later, who casually tells me the college group asked him to be their advisor. So they just ditched me without a word - the president of the group just replaces me with this person without the courtesy of a word to me, and this person (we had discussed me being the advisor over the summer) accepts being the advior, also without a word to me, like I don't exist, like I don't have feelings. WOW.

Midwest Conversation

 I've been bitching a little, and thinking a lot, about how often in this location I find myself stuck in a social interaction that involves me listening to other people talk. I have never felt so often and so much that the person or people in the interaction have no interest in what I have to say. There have been times, especially professionally, where this has been super frustrating. But it's so consistent, it's starting to just be depressing. 

Recently, I was at a restaurant with some folks that I had just finished volunteering with. Two of the folks were a couple who had recently moved to the area and they were talking about the things they wanted to see, sort of day trip-ish. Someone else at the table knew that I just came back from the Badlands and said so, and another person looked at me (I thought dismissively) and continued to talk - clearly I, who had just vacationed there, had nothing to contribute to the conversation. 

I know this sounds petty, but it happens A LOT. I used to complain about the dates I've had where the guy completely dominates the conversation, but it's not just a male thing here. It's odd because people are reticent in general, yet they so often just drown me in their talking. I honestly don't know what to think about it...

The other thing I have started to notice, as I hit the 2 year mark here, is that people who have known me this long seem to know almost nothing about me. Which is no surprise, since they have shown so very little interest in what I have to say. Case in point: someone brought a cake to my open house last month - how can they not know, after 2 years, that I don't eat wheat?! Recently someone expressed surprise when I said I liked to go to the movies. How can you know me for 2 years and not know this - it's virtually a personality trait of mine. But, of course, it is easy for people who know me to know nothing about me because they never ask and they never let me talk...

Toxic work place

I'm probably being hypersensistive because I got 3 hours of sleep for no damn reason, but in both the meetings I was in today, a colleague was super dismissive of the symposium I presented at yesterday. 

I don't know if he is deliberately trying to invalidate me, or it's just a handy bonus for showing how superior he is, but I have to say, I may be a know-it-all and a smug bitch, but I would NEVER proactively diminish a colleague's efforts like that, in front of everyone they work with. 

I think what I did was terrific and I'm planning to submit it as a written article. It's not like I need this guy's approval, but it makes me much more determined to change jobs, because I don't want to work in an environment where this is standard and acceptable practice (no one pushed back AT ALL in either meeting).

I was also struck by how smart the presentations by my Canadian colleagues were (one on philosophy, one on Marx, a third that broke down the types of AI-generator searches into useful categories). I want to work with people like that!

Bad food week

Last week at the All Staff meeting, the new director got platters of goodies from O For Heaven's Cakes, which makes GF cupcakes, but there was nothing for me. Also nothing for me to eat at the conference yesterday, though I specifically asked about having GF options. And now the sales rep, who brought lunch to the meeting today, didn't order my salad, so I have nothing to eat while everyone is happily munching away, even people who didn't place an order ffs. My salad was delivered later, and I ate it alone in my office.

Thoughts as a result of Ethics course

 Socrates suggests that “no one errs willingly,” meaning that bad behavior results from a lack of knowledge, not moral weakness - if a person really knows what the right thing is, there is nothing to prevent them from doing it. But we can think of so many examples of people knowing the right thing to do and still doing the wrong thing. (Obviously I am thinking of my ex as case in point.)

I was coincidently watching the American Crime: Impeachment miniseries wherein I was reminded how reckless and self-defeating Clinton's behavior was. In one scene, he tells HIllary, everything good in my life came from our being together (not a quote but that's the basic idea). But even though that is objectively true and even though he genuinely believes it, he still did absolutely everything he could to destroy that relationship and treat her like shit.

Passing strange

Another update that I wrote to an old friend:

I am not sorry that I'm no longer married to Larry, but I must admit, I'm sorry that I'm not married - I liked being part of a couple. Especially, I'm so sad that we didn't maintain at least some stability for our kids - I thought we would be babysitting our grandkids some day, or at least be the house they came to for holidays. I'm troubled that he just up and left, just dropped us all (though he occasionally texts the kids, but they are not interested in his minimalistic idea of a relationship). That's seems so unkind - I thought he was at least kind. We could have remained friends, we were not fighting or really mad at each other, more like disinterested as the years had worn on. But he was so rude in his leaving and in the divorce (he told the lawyer I shouldn't get half the house as I never helped pay the mortgage - everything is a transaction to him I have come to realize). It's still hard for me to believe that I was once so close to him and felt so comfortable with him, that we created human beings together. Honestly, it still feel decidely weird, and a bit unreal, that it is all gone now.

 

Location location location

People keep asking me about my intentions for staying in GF, especially after I bought a house. I wrote a reply to someone over email and decided to post it here, since it captures all my thoughts about it.

I don't really like Grand Forks and I don't love my job (I like it, but I don't love it). I had thought to move west to be closer to Leo and Lisa, but the cost of living is so high, and the water and fire problems are quite concerning. Now I am considering trying to return to Philadelphia, as that was my favorite place I ever lived and still somewhat affordable. I still have friends there as well. It is centrally located to my kids (if they stay in upstate NY) and my stepson, who lives in Baltimore. Plus, there is a good, major airport there, so I can visit out west (and other places) easily. Other options are another medium-sized city like Pittsburgh or Baltimore, or even something more midwest. like Indianapolis. I think the mid-sized eastern and mid-Atlantic cities will remain relatively affordable and maybe less impacted by climate change. I just don't like living in such a small, remote town as I am now - there is not enough to do culturally, the Jewish community is almost non-existent, and there's just not enough of the kinds of people l like, who are educated and open-minded. 

Haircut story

When I arrived in Grand Forks, I knew I would eventually need to find someone to cut my hair. I spoke to a couple of women (one whose haircut, similar to my style, I really liked) and they recommended Avant, this chi chi salon downtown. I'm always skeptical of fancy places, because, in general, you just pay more for the same thing, but I also thought that it's dumb to ask for recommendations and then ignore them.

I was able to delay the inevitable because I went back to Syracuse in Oct and again in Dec and was able to get my haircut by Susan, my regular stylist, both times.

But now it's been several months and I had to make a decision. I tried to make an appt through their website, but it didn't work, so I called Avant and spoke to their prissy receptionist, who told me they had a cancellation and I could come that night for the low low price of $54 (which is more than my Syracuse stylist by more than 25%) because Tanja is a "master stylist." I think that's highway robbery, but now I'm committed to getting this over with and taking the plunge.

Several things happened which put me off:

I actually got the appt at their other location (not downtown). It's in a little strip mall very near where I work. I drove past the first time because the strip mall is shaped like an L and it's hard to see the salon from the street. Why didn't the prissy receptionist, who knew I was new in town (because I made a point to tell her) mention where they are located? Later, I mentioned to the stylist that I drove past the first time and she said, yeah, people can't find them. Again, why doesn't the receptionist help you with that!

Next thing that happened is that I was left to wait for 10 minutes in the waiting area, which I thought was rude. My Syracuse stylist is always right there, ready for you. Tanja was in the back, presumably taking a break. I don't begrudge anyone a break, but I find that a lot of places (including doctor's offices) have strict policies about being late, but have no problem wasting your time.  I think leaving me to cool my heels for 10 minutes past the appointment time is definitely pushing it.

So I'm already a little nervous and a little irritated. The stylist puts some oil in my hair before the shampoo, which I'm not thrilled about, but especially I don't understand why she doesn't ask me if I want it, or at least explain what she's using on my hair. When I asked her what it is, she kind of brushes off my question, like it's a stupid question - "it's hair oil [you idiot]." (But I have never, in my many many years, had anyone put oil in my hair at the start of the process, I guess I'm just too low class.) She's supposedly giving me a scalp massage with this oil, but she's rubbing it into my hair and sort of scratching my scalp with her fingers, neither of which is relaxing. I've had scalp massages and this ain't what one feels like.

I told her I wanted the same basic style, just trimmed and shaped. She said "half an inch?" and I hesitated, so she said "an inch?" and I said, I guess, yes.

I mention that I have been rinsing my hair with vinegar because the water is so hard here. And she says, do you live outside of town? And I say no, and she says, they have hard water outside of town. Like I'm wrong, the water isn't hard. But it's hard compared to the water where I used to live. I mean, wtf. I just don't understand this customer service style, where the customer is always wrong... (I think this is a good example of just how superficial "midwest nice" really is - people are nice but it's just on the surface.)

Now we shampoo, during which she is chatting, but, at some point, I sort of talked over her, not on purpose, but it seemed to annoy her, like I wasn't chatting the right way, and she didn't ask me anything else after that.

So we go to her chair and she cuts my hair, but, as she starts to blow dry, I say it's a little longer than I wanted. She's clearly irritated. She says "I cut the 1 inch you asked for [you idiot]." Then she asks if I want her to cut more. But of course, I don't want her to cut my hair if she's annoyed with me. Like, if you send food back to the kitchen in a restaurant, they're just gonna spit in it.

I was so discouraged that she didn't want me to be happy with it, especially for $54, which is a lot of money, and she's supposedly a "master" ffs. And she knows I'm new in town, I could be a new regular customer for her. But instead, she's scolding me for not knowing exactly what 1 inch would look like.

I said, no, thanks, it's fine. I paid the prissy receptionist and left a 20% tip, though it killed me to do it.

I won't be back of course. And it's a perfectly nice cut, though I wouldn't call it "master" level, and it's too long. And I don't know any of what she used on my hair (oil, shampoo, conditioner, styling creme) but my hair was satiny for sure (silky smooth!). I would have liked to know what she used because it clearly worked for my hair and this hard water (!) but she never told me about any of it - I guess that is not part of the service. 

It could have been a good experience. But it wasn't. I guess I'll try the downtown salon next time. But I noticed there is a salon around the corner from my new house, I might try them...

Epilogue. They sent me customer satisfaction survey. I rated them 3/5 (a gift) and said "My expectations were too high." I didn't hear back.

Screaming sky

I loved this so much, it really speaks to me - especially as I am always looking up at clouds and sunsets and lightening.

 

Rebel Talent

It's such good timing to hear this podcast this weekend, which is actually a repeat from several years ago. I would never consider myself a "rebel" in the traditional sense of the word, but she describes it more as a person who is open to new information and doesn't get stuck the rut of their perceived expertise.

This is a description of her book, Rebel Talent:

 

The river

This really struck me hard. I have felt quite pummelled by the Universe this year, with each new daunting challenge feeling like a test of my spirit and determination. But seeing the Universe instead as a river carrying me through my life to whatever is next, well, that helps.

 

Stress and trauma and nuturing and resilience

I'm again struggling with finding sufficient empathy for younger (middle class, white) people who wear their "trauma" on their sleeve and genuinely expect their emotional needs to be accomodated. Not that I have no empathy, but I don't seem to have a sufficient amount. It's not just that I find it irritating, though I do. Because it's just so fucking self-involved. As I have learned, everyone has pain. Everyone has overcome emotional difficulties. I guess I feel like they have insufficient empathy also... 

More importantly, it's dysfunctional, in a relathionship and, especially, in an organization. To expect others (read: older women) to nurture you and make you feel okay, is just unrealistic and burdensome to your (older women) co-workers and associates. 

Of course, there are some sour grapes involved: I had to find my own resources and tread my own painful path toward recovery. It's hard to have someone ask me to provide support and accomodation that I didn't receive myself. And it's disrespectful in the extreme to assume that my presentation, of strength or capability, means that I don't have any pain that I'm grappling with. I end up thinking that if only I could describe my childhood and what I had to overcome. But it's not a contest to see who had the most trauma. 

The other concern I have is about the balance between accomodation and resilience. I feel like we are raising (and have raised) several generations that just don't develop any resilience. Empathy and care are important, but so is developing character and the ability to rebound and keep going. I'm not saying "suck it up" or "just rub some dirt in it," but I do think that the pendulum has swung too far to the nurturing side. There, I said it.

I got a lot of negative feedback about leaving my kids and moving away to take a job. And I thought it was kind of scary: so many people who think children need an endless security blanket to protect them from life. And the contrast with the way I was thrust from the nest is jarring. I think there is somewhere in the middle where it would be healthier to land.

Being an interrupter

Holy fuck, I hate being around white people who so enjoy being white.

What the fuck do you say when people make these subtle racist comments? I don't want to, nor am I really capable of ,educating them, but oh my god, it makes me sick. I don't want to participate in the conversation and it makes me super uncomfortable to even listen to it. What I really want to do is say, "You're being gross. It's gross to listen to you revelling in your priviledge without the slightest notion of how racism pervades your world view."

This motivated me to look up some resources about what to say (in a constructive tone) so that people know where you stand.

Okay Boomer

I had an argument with a friend of mine on Facebook last week about cops and protests.

It's a touchy topic of course. She posted someone's Twitter comment about cops who are behaving well during these protests being like abusive boyfriends who briefly act nice and then abuse you again later. My response was that I disagreed because I feel like you have to accept an effort in the right direction. She (a fellow librarian) said there was "significant evidence" that cops who had been friendly to protesters were gassing them later in the evening and I said I wanted to see her evidence because I had looked for evidence myself and wasn't able to find any. But she seemed to misinterpret me and responded with information about police officers and domestic violence and abusive behavior.

I tried to clarify. I said the evidence I was asking about was the evidence she said she had for the exact same cops who were being friendly turning around and being aggressive. But she continued to be outraged that I had challenged her. She said I had suggested her personal experience as a victim of abuse is not adequate evidence of cops' bad behavior. The whole conversation ran off the rails. I kept trying to bring it back to the original issue of the current protests, but she just got more outraged. She said I had been "rude" (which I thought was strange).

This is not somebody that I know only on Facebook. This is a friend. In fact, I had offered to let her stay at my house a couple of years ago when she thought she was going to lose her apartment. This is someone I thought I had a relationship with. I was shocked at how determined she was to misunderstand me.

It got me thinking of another FB argument with a person the same age: 30 year old. They have a huge chip on their shoulder about "Boomers." The argument I had with the other person devolved into "you don't understand what it's like for my generation." I feel like that's the response of both of them and it kind of annoys me because they ignore the histories of people older than they are.

I didn't appear on this planet as a middle aged woman living in the suburbs. I have a whole life history neither one of them know anything about. By the time I was their age, I was a  military veteran. I've been on a human rights commission. I fought for women's rights and gay rights. I was at the March for Women's Lives in DC in 1986 and the gay rights march in 1993. And I was in the gallery of the NJ legislature when they became the 3rd state to recognize gay marriage. I've participated from a very early age in community building and trying to make the world better. Not slacktivism, not liking posts on Facebook. On the ground work.

I know it's typical for young people to dismiss older people and for older people to dismiss younger people, but these are people I know personally - I expect more consideration from them. It's very noticeable that their demand for understanding, sympathy, and tolerance includes none for me. I'm very disappointed in this most recent interaction, especially since she blocked me.

Her loss.

Generation gap

The president's editorial in the bulletin struck an interesting tone this month, and I must admit that I found it a rather odd message to give to parents. She basically suggested that they force their kids to participate in temple activities.  

One of the most formative Jewish experiences I had was at a meeting at Hillel at Temple University. Of course I didn't grow up in a temple youth group and didn't go to Jewish summer camp, etc, etc. (I pursued Judaism as an adult, mainly through attending worship services, and feminist seders, with Jewish friends.)  So I'm sitting in this meeting and everyone there, almost to a person, is expressing their alienation with the synagogue experience of their youth, where everyone was more concerned with what other congregants were wearing, rather than what kind of spiritual experience they were having.

Fast forward a couple of decades. Now I belong to a synagogue, even sit on the board, and the leadership is complaining because my generation (represented by those alienated Hillel students) is not raising their children the same (misguided!) way that they were raised.

My question for the leadership is this: wouldn't it be better to put your efforts into making temple activities appealing to the children in our community, so that no forcing would be necessary? Wouldn't it be better to tell parents that we are working very hard to ensure that their kids will have a different experience than the one you had as a child, because we want the temple to be a place where the children in our community feel welcome, accepted, and engaged? That Judaism is worthwhile because it's deep and beautiful and meaningful for all ages, not that it's something you must suffer through now, in the hope that you will later come to appreciate its value.

While there have been many changes in American Judaism in the last few decades, clearly there is still a major disconnect between the goals and perceptions of the current leadership and the goals and perceptions of the (younger) congregants.  That gap is where much of my dissatisfaction resides, and my own frustration with the experience of board, where the decisions and influence still reside in a small clique of people (but that's another entry entirely).