Rebel Talent

It's such good timing to hear this podcast this weekend, which is actually a repeat from several years ago. I would never consider myself a "rebel" in the traditional sense of the word, but she describes it more as a person who is open to new information and doesn't get stuck the rut of their perceived expertise.

This is a description of her book, Rebel Talent:

 

Be yourself?

 

I see these memes and quotes all the time and they resonate with me, but then I think I'm just being naive. I'm having such a hard time with this. I feel like I approach every new situation with my positive mental energy and enthusiasm and my "can do" attitude and at some point I always end up feeling like it's just a waste of time. Like people just don't appreciate that. Even though it's supposedly valued, it isn't in real life. That being cynical or selfish or half-hearted is really what's rewarded. 

Work culture

 Wow, this has really stuck in my head. I ask myself this every day.

Psychodrama bullshit

Christ on a cracker! I can't believe this bullshit. How have I been cast as the villian in the psychodrama of this petty bitch who has spent exactly zero time and energy getting to know anything about me as a person? Newsflash: you are not the only one with pain or who is struggling. I just came off a very shitty year and, frankly, I'm holding on by a very thin thread. Just because I act like an actual grown up doesn't mean I never cry or get my feelings hurt. Get a fucking therapist. I am not here to make you feel okay.  Plus, I'm not at all convinced that it isn't all an act. This person has absolutely no problem throwing me under the bus and then turning around and acting like a fragile little victim. Give me a break. And the Oscar goes to...

MOOD:

Remember this!

 

What a lovely thought

 

Just bring my soulmate

 

The river

This really struck me hard. I have felt quite pummelled by the Universe this year, with each new daunting challenge feeling like a test of my spirit and determination. But seeing the Universe instead as a river carrying me through my life to whatever is next, well, that helps.

 

More dead ends

Ack, it's so hard to find someone to connect to. This guy started strong. I thought my hockey response was funny and sort of sexy, but then he asks about football. wtf? Did he read my profile? Does he really think all women have a "team"? And he doesn't want to pick up on my snuggling comment?! I don't know what's more discouraging: his sports obsession or his ignoring my response and just plowing ahead with the conversation...

More travails

So I had a new guy approach me by mentioning my tattoos. I don't know why this wasn't nearly as appealing as the other (probably married) guy from last month. Sadly, I got a definite ew vibe from this guy (more along the lines of Vernon) - I mean, he's basically asking me if I want to "Netflix and chill" and I most emphatically do not.

 

Stress and trauma and nuturing and resilience

I'm again struggling with finding sufficient empathy for younger (middle class, white) people who wear their "trauma" on their sleeve and genuinely expect their emotional needs to be accomodated. Not that I have no empathy, but I don't seem to have a sufficient amount. It's not just that I find it irritating, though I do. Because it's just so fucking self-involved. As I have learned, everyone has pain. Everyone has overcome emotional difficulties. I guess I feel like they have insufficient empathy also... 

More importantly, it's dysfunctional, in a relathionship and, especially, in an organization. To expect others (read: older women) to nurture you and make you feel okay, is just unrealistic and burdensome to your (older women) co-workers and associates. 

Of course, there are some sour grapes involved: I had to find my own resources and tread my own painful path toward recovery. It's hard to have someone ask me to provide support and accomodation that I didn't receive myself. And it's disrespectful in the extreme to assume that my presentation, of strength or capability, means that I don't have any pain that I'm grappling with. I end up thinking that if only I could describe my childhood and what I had to overcome. But it's not a contest to see who had the most trauma. 

The other concern I have is about the balance between accomodation and resilience. I feel like we are raising (and have raised) several generations that just don't develop any resilience. Empathy and care are important, but so is developing character and the ability to rebound and keep going. I'm not saying "suck it up" or "just rub some dirt in it," but I do think that the pendulum has swung too far to the nurturing side. There, I said it.

I got a lot of negative feedback about leaving my kids and moving away to take a job. And I thought it was kind of scary: so many people who think children need an endless security blanket to protect them from life. And the contrast with the way I was thrust from the nest is jarring. I think there is somewhere in the middle where it would be healthier to land.

Money whiplash

I feel like I'm about to get whiplash from all the good news-bad news experiences I've been having lately, mostly around money.

My discounted SiriusXM membership ended so the monthly cost went from $6 a month to about $22. Rats.

I got a free gym membership at UND because my status was listed as student not staff. So cool, that saves me $30 or $60 dollars, depending on how you calculate it.

Larry unexpectedly dropped me from the cell phone plan, but Danny agreed to let me join his. So that's going to cost me at least $40 a month that I had not expected.

I met with the TIAA rep and he told me that, between my social security and my TIAA payout, I will probably not have to survive on ramen noodles. So that's a relief.

He also told me that I can take out money at age 59 and 1/2 without penalty, which is May of next year. Which means I can take out money for a downpayment on a house in ND. Whoot!

I joked with Alana that the Universe is trying to keep things in balance. I'm trying to stay focused on the good news and not fret about the bad news...

Be careful what you ask for

I'd been complaining and fussing about the men on these dating apps: so half-hearted, so apathetic, so uninvested. So, the universe listened and sent me a super intense, super focused guy who is making me feel a little overwhelmed. 

The other thing I have been struggling with is making friends. I got friendly with some of the ladies at work and it seemed to be going well until it wasn't. Now all those relationships feel a little awkward. I made a couple of friends outside of work and those are more comfortable. I have been feeling like "I need more friends." So today I debated about attending a grad school coffee social because, well, it's cold out, and I'm so much older than everyone who will be there. But they were giving away free mugs and I wanted a mug. Seriously, I'm that shallow. So I went, and I chatted with a really cool, really nice woman who is also older (not as old as me, obviously). And I feel like I might have made a new friend. Maybe. 

But anyway, thanks Universe for listening. And I will be careful what I put out there because damn, I'm powerful!

Tell the story about what you want

I just happened to read this today, it was in my email and the title caught my eye. But it was so so so much more than I expected. It was a response to a letter about trans women's choice to get surgery, but the response ends with this:

A match for everyone exists. No exceptions. Often, people find their match by “kissing a lot of frogs.” Every relationship though represents a stepping stone toward the one relationship everyone wants, the only relationship that matters, really. That relationship: the one each person has with themself.

Just as you got what you want, that guy from August 2020 will eventually get what he wants once he tells stories matching that.

And this is also the writer's point:

Isn’t it great: when you get what you don’t want, it creates a strong desire in you for what you do want….and then, when you tell stories that match what you do want, you get that?

If I were you, I’d stop telling the story of what happened in August 2020. Why repeatedly share something you didn’t enjoy? Then, I’d never stop telling the entire world about the guy you currently live with. That way, you’ll feel wonderful AND get more things you want.