Alchemy

Tonight, I was talking to my sister: her on again off again boyfriend is ghosting her and it's just so painful. I was telling her that we're both so damaged, operating from such an emotional deficit. The default is always always always "I'm unlovable" so it doesn't take much to get back to that thought. And these fucking narcissists are so intoxicating for us. But so toxic also.

In fact, we are magicians. Our emotional buckets are so low, have so little inside them, and yet we still manage to provide so much love and support to others - to our kids and our friends. We are alchemists. We take lead and make it into gold. We take a lump of coal and turn it into a diamond. 

Of course, you can't become a magician without needing to become a magician.

And there are days when I just really don't want to be a magician. I don't want to have all this hard won empathy for others. I want to be stupid and happy.

Contentment is not really possible for magicians.

Hello out there

I was talking with this guy for a solid week before it occurred to him that I might actually be (almost) as interesting as he (apparently thinks he) is. Maybe that's the key: hanging in there long enough for them to realize that you're a person too.

 

Insert eye roll here

This mf started a conversation with me back in January, dropped it, and then blithely comes back in March, thinking I want to pick up where we left off. Hard pass.

Really?

Seriously, how am I supposed to respond to this? I've been chatting with this guy for months. He's never asked me on a date. And now he's like "Oh well, I guess I'm stuck with just you." What an unflattering way to approach a woman who's been nothing but pleasant to you.

I had a very similar experience in NY, where I chatted with a guy for awhile and we planned a date that never happened (I can't remember why) and then he said something very much like this - you're the only person I've heard from. It's the "only." Like, one is plenty if it's the right person. Not that I thought the guy in NY was the right person, or this guy either. But I would never say something dismissive like this to anyone. It's rude in general, but frankly, rather crushing in this situation. 

Polite brush off

At least he was nice about it. (Not sure what ES stands for...)

Scam alert

I actually got an email from the website alerting me to this blatant scam. Luckily, I am well past being vulnerable to this...

Local law enforcement experience

I got stopped today for speeding. It's a bit of a speed trap to be fair - on the way into downtown the speed is reduced well before you get into the downtown area. I honestly didn't think I was speeding (I wasn't really paying attention to my speed either). 

The (young male) cop was SUPER nice about it, though he stuck his face way too close to mine (for covid reasons, nothing else). He let me off with a verbal warning, which was especially generous considering I didn't have an updated copy of my insurance card either. 

I am quite surprised that he did not inform me that I need to change my license and registration within 6 months of relocating here, according to ND state law...

Court appearance

I've been in an absolute fever about this court appearance for weeks, which I thought was gonna be over Teams because that's what it says in the letter they sent me. I've been watching my email for a week, expecting to get a link.

I called the court twice this week. The SECOND time, they told me it would be over the phone and they confirmed my phone number. 

When I spoke to the court representative this morning,  she said that Mr. Jacowitz did not "contact the court." That's because they emailed us TWENTY MINUTES before we were scheduled to appear ffs. I didn't see it until after I spoke to them (it says 8:10 on the message because that's Central time). 

She says he has "the right to be formally served." So now I have to wait 6 weeks for that process, which involves giving him the exact same letter he already got at the exact same address he already got it. But only after I send them the paperwork AGAIN, because she "doesn't know what the agreement says" (said in a tone like I'm trying to get away with something here). I sent the relevant pages when I originally filed, back in AUGUST, **and** the full decree was filed with the court when it was finalized last year, according to the attorney. (I have to wonder why they didn't ask me for the paperwork sometime during the past SIX MONTHS while I've been waiting for this appearance.)

This whole process is designed for assholes like him to skate through by being irresponsible, while someone like me, who's totally on top of everything, gets treated dismissively (she asked me if I wanted to continue the complaint - this after he didn't show up, so I guess she expects me to just give up when he blows it off). Meanwhile, the balance he owes me grows and grows. I guess, at this point, I don't even care because they will just garnish his paycheck past when Alana turns 21, at least that's what happened to Lisa's friend. I'll get all the money eventually, hopefully. The stress of this process is much higher than it's worth if that's true, especially because it just keeps him in my mind and keeps fueling my anger and frustration, while he blissfully lives his new life. I filed originally because I'm just so livid at him getting away with this. It's not like they are actually going to put him in jail for nonpayment. If he even faces a fine, I'd be very surprised.

If I had known that the garnishment would continue, I never would have given in so much in the original negotiation (such that it was, a few text messages). Like the complete fool I am, I thought, during the negotiation, if the amount was lower, he would actually pay it.

UPDATE

He surprised me by actually replying after I sent an angry text about missing the court appearance. Maybe he's lying or maybe the court fucked up (which is completely possible). Whatever. I'm regretting getting this started. It's just making me furious and it's such a waste of my energy. The outcome is not likely to be much better than what is happening now, which is, at least I get a weekly payment. 

I never fucking know when to leave well enough alone and when to fight. It's my greatest weakness. I should have fought more when we were separated and just left it alone once we were divorced.