Thinking it through

 Someone I am friendly with at work said I was abrasive and I have been puzzling on that for several days. I chatted with my daughter about it and it helped me sort it out (I'm planning to talk to the work friend too).

I think of abrasive as someone who is oblivious to other people's feelings. Like not noticing they are having an impact or what impact they are having. But I am HYPER sensitive to other people's feelings, like, to a fault.

But chatting about what exactly this means, I think I landed on "expresses judgement vocally." I say it like that because there is TONS of judgement going on at my workplace. But I express my judgements verbally (and nonverbally too), partly because I don't care if it bothers people and because I think there is value in being authentic with people - I prefer people who are authentic with me, like this woman who told me this about myself. 

Also, because I think it is seriously anti-feminist to act sweet and nice all the time, I think that is literally toxic. I think women participate in their subjugation by denying their feelings, avoiding expressing opinions, and supressing their voice. We are not doing anyone any favors by deferring to other people, especially to men.

Colleague, and I use that word advisedly

This so completely confirms my general impression of this colleague, who never ever wants to engage in an exchange of ideas, but rather wants to lob a (preferably snide) comment at you that undermines whatever point you were making, thereby demonstrating their obvious superiority.

Toxic work place

I'm probably being hypersensistive because I got 3 hours of sleep for no damn reason, but in both the meetings I was in today, a colleague was super dismissive of the symposium I presented at yesterday. 

I don't know if he is deliberately trying to invalidate me, or it's just a handy bonus for showing how superior he is, but I have to say, I may be a know-it-all and a smug bitch, but I would NEVER proactively diminish a colleague's efforts like that, in front of everyone they work with. 

I think what I did was terrific and I'm planning to submit it as a written article. It's not like I need this guy's approval, but it makes me much more determined to change jobs, because I don't want to work in an environment where this is standard and acceptable practice (no one pushed back AT ALL in either meeting).

I was also struck by how smart the presentations by my Canadian colleagues were (one on philosophy, one on Marx, a third that broke down the types of AI-generator searches into useful categories). I want to work with people like that!

Bad food week

Last week at the All Staff meeting, the new director got platters of goodies from O For Heaven's Cakes, which makes GF cupcakes, but there was nothing for me. Also nothing for me to eat at the conference yesterday, though I specifically asked about having GF options. And now the sales rep, who brought lunch to the meeting today, didn't order my salad, so I have nothing to eat while everyone is happily munching away, even people who didn't place an order ffs. My salad was delivered later, and I ate it alone in my office.