Way too little, way too late

I guess you could call this "trying" if you ignore that he needed "hindsight" to realize that the way he left could have been "done differently" (how's that for a strong statement of remorse?) And that "you nor your brother were the reason for me leaving" is a bit rich, since he left, acting wounded, when Alana said he was going to bring home covid with his irresponsible behavior. So he USED her to leave and go live with is girlfriend (of many months). But beyond that, I stayed for the kids. I didn't want to be married to him any more, but I cared about our FAMILY enough to stay. So even if the kids weren't the "reason" he left - it's also clear they weren't enough of a reason for him to stay. And the many weeks that went by without any communication from him (to Alana and Matt) reinforced this, as he is well aware. Him just saying they weren't the reason doesn't erase the hurt of his behavior, as Alana apparently communicated to him.

On top of all that, "senior ball and graduation" was straight out of a message that I sent to him, which he did not acknowledge (even after the divorce, I am still prompting him to actually parent his child, which he still accepts without giving me the credit). The other thing I have been saying for many months is that repairing his relationship with Alana (which was damaged by him long before he stopped pretending to live with us) will require more than sending messages, yet here we are still - all talk and absolutely no action. How about, can I help you with your car? can I buy your ball gown or pay for the limo? or even, can I come down to Syracuse and take you to lunch? Nope, just words, the laziest way possible to convince yourself you are making an effort.

 

2021 can fuck off too

So turns out, you cannot have chickens in Syracuse. Everybody thinks you can have chickens in Syracuse. The cop called to my house about the chickens told me I could have chickens in Syracuse. I've seen Syracuse listed on websites of cities that allow chickens. But I still got a notice from the Code Enforcement Division saying I have to get rid of my chickens. After all the time and money that I spent moving the chickens and getting them set up, I had to give them away. 

Less than a week later, I had to take Roxy to the vet and have her put to sleep because she was clearly collapsing. I think she had a stroke. I know she had a seizure and it must have affected her more than it seemed, because she deteriorated very quickly starting about a week later. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, only made bearable by knowing I had given her a good life (Lisa helped me so much with this, in a long conversation on Sat night). A FB friend had this painting made for me, from the photo I posted to let people know she was gone (when I put it on the window sill, it looks like she is glowing). She was the dearest pet and friend to me. I will always think of the woman in the Michael Vick dogs documentary, The Champions, who talked about how important it was to her that her dog had developed trust for her. That was how I felt about Roxy - she didn't really trust anyone but me, and I took that trust as the gift that it was. I had her cremated and sprinkled her ashes along the trail in Clay Park - her favorite place in the whole wide world. I'm glad she's at peace:

It keeps getting worse

You've got to be motherfucking kidding me. A year in May? I really want to put this behind me. I really don't want to have any feelings about this at all. Why do I care that they were together for months instead of weeks before he left? But this is like a punch in the face. If she just posted this on her own FB wall and didn't tag Larry, I never would have found out about it - it's not like my friends are friends with her. But when she put it on Larry's wall, people started to tell me about it.

She knows he was living at home through the entire summer (though she may not know he was saying "I love you" to me and acting like things were FINE). What kind of asshole claims their relationship started while he was still living with his family? What kind of asshole publicly celebrates their anniversary knowing that people reading it are well aware that he was still living with his family? She was married (twice!), she has a son living at home with her. How would she feel in the situation??? It's so disrespectful. 

I just want to remember that he spent the entire Rosh Hashanah dinner on Sep 18 telling (in a most adorable fashion!) the story of how we met. Which, at the time, I thought was bizarre, but, again, made me think that he still had some commitment to our marriage. It's this level of gaslighting that I don't understand - who goes to the trouble to project such adoration (everyone there was completely charmed) while they are seriously romatically involved with someone else??? It's really repulsive and sort of frightening. 

Anyway, some people think she did it on purpose to tweak me, but I think that's ridiculous - I doubt she gives a fuck one way or the other about me (Larry clearly doesn't GAF). I doubt she thinks of me at all. But my kids! Jesus Christ in a shoebox. How does she think her son would feel if he saw that from his dad after his parents were freshly divorced?

Someone also suggested that she posted it publically because their relationship is already waning. That is an intrguing thought, especially with her strange choice of words - why would someone never know how much you love them? Also, several people have suggested that it's only a matter of time before he comes crawling back, but that seems unlikely to me - our relationship had been over for years, maybe decades - Larry has a pretty short attention span, it turns out. I think it is much more likely that he would do to her what he did to me and just take up with someone else, once the bloom is off the rose. How long before the drudgery of the daily grind takes over and the romance dies? He needs to be worshipped and never criticized, so as long as she does that, they will probably stay together, but if she actually expects him to keep his promises and help out and be a grown up, well... It's become clear to me over the years that he's not nearly as good at maintaining relationships as he is at sparking them. I realized recently that he's Wickham: "he is blessed with such happy manners as may ensure his making friends - whether he may be equally capable of retaining them is less certain.”

I really debated with myself about posting about this on FB. I want to move on and stop having my life be about this. But I was so outraged - we still have tons of mutual friends and family members who could have seen this on his wall. It makes me so fucking mad that he just swanned off and started a new life - I don't want him to get off scot free - I want people to know what a shit he is. That's dumb and pointless, of course, but also a pretty normal reaction. As I said to Beth, who was upset about my divorce post on FB, I didn't write much at all about him and about the circumstances of our separation - about how he just left and left me to sort out everything - so I thought I was entitled to one shitty post about him, and I saved it until the divorce was final in April.

I did post about this anniversary post of Stefanie's in May (my 2nd shitty post about him) and got a lot of great comments and encouragement, so it was worth it, even though I felt a little weird and uncomfortable about it.

And this is what I sent to him:

Hook ups

I'm getting a lot of advice and suggestions about pursuing sex instead of a relationship. A long divorced friend explained her system for finding a suitable "Netflix and chill" partner. A man I know told me that he was looking for a friend with benefits situation and I thought he was implying that I would fit the bill. I'm even reading a book for my book club about a woman around my age who has affairs outside of her marriage just for the sex. 

I know I should. God knows it's been a coon's age. And I'm so disappointed in the results of my attempts at finding a relationship, at least so far. It's only been a few months, but it already seems futile. 

However, I'm not sure I'm the hook up type. I did it a bit when I was younger, but I never felt completely comfortable. I guess I've never felt like the sex was the best part of a relationship, so why would I want to narrow down to just that? I mean, I like sex, I want to have sex, but I don't want to ONLY have sex. The fun part is the connection and the affection. I want to do things together, the things I enjoy - eating good food, watching movies, canoeing, exploring. But especially talking together, that's super important to me - I can't imagine a relationship without that. And if I'm connecting with someone in that way, I'm going to feel connected intellectually and emotionally - it's gonna get deeper for me. I just can't see how I could keep it superficial and physical. And that just isn't very appealing. Maybe I would feel differently if I felt that zing with someone who actually reciprocated it, but it's hard to imagine that happening...