Wow, it's like the worst cliche in the world: "my dad went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back." Larry left, saying he was getting a covid test, and never came back.
I knew Larry had changed. He wasn't the sweet guy I married, hadn't been for many years. I knew he was a compulsive liar and that he cheated on me throughout our entire marriage. But after putting on a big act - saying "I love you" the last few months, acting hurt when I didn't want to kiss him this summer (as I strongly suspected, correctly as it turns out, that he was fucking around), and being so outraged about Alana's request to leave this fall, it turns out he is already dating someone else, and has been for awhile. He let her post a photo of them on FB on Sunday, Nov 15, just weeks after he moved out (tagging him, so I was sure to see - me and everyone we know). She also has a post on FB about how delightful "third time around" love is - that post was Oct 2, the night before he moved out (the night he told me he was going to karaoke overnight...like that's normal). It's hard not to think he was trying to get kicked out of the house because he was too weak and cowardly to take that step himself.
When he left, he wouldn't answer the phone when I called and wouldn't respond to my texts for TWO WEEKS. We were so done. He finally answered the phone, but that was only after I left a voicemail saying I talked to a lawyer. He doesn't want to deal with anything like an adult.
It's hard to believe that I ever felt close to him or felt like I really knew him or, omg, like he was "my person." He has been a stranger to me for ages. I didn't have any affectionate feelings left for him. I knew who he really was long ago: he puts on an act, but, if you spend some time with him, you see through the facade. He's been a crappy husband and a mediocre father. He was into Cal for the first couple of years, but, looking back, I can see how bored he got, how uninterested he was in parenting, in being a family, how uninvested he was in us. I wondered how he could just walk away from his kids but he's barely been involved with them for years, really...what seems like a major step from the outside was minor to him, I'm sure. Realizing that I have accepted these crumbs (of being a husband and father) makes me sick to my stomach, now that I face it and acknowledge it.
I'm trying to focus on the future, but it's hard not to reflect back on the betrayals, the points where things went wrong, and the times when I had thoughts that this was not going to work out.
For example, the first time I discovered/realized he cheated on me, when I was 8 months pregnant with Caleb. And the times after that too. And when he told me that he knew Laura had a baby, that he saw her with Matt (who looks exactly like Larry), and he did nothing, just drove away. Or when he left me alone, just home from the hospital, with 3 yr old Cal, infant Alana, and a fresh C-section, to deal with Laura in NJ. Or when we moved, the kids 2 and 6, and I did everything by myself - packed up the Philly house, moved, and got us settled, while he was away for weeks at a time, training with TXRH and then opening stores. Always putting work first; always, and increasingly, having time for that, for those people, and, more recently, for his extensive social life, but never for us, for the family, for me.
The way he acts with the kids, too: picking fights with Alana, lecturing Caleb. You'd think working with teens all these years, he would be better at it. But he couldn't (or wouldn't) adjust his style, couldn't deal with them as they got older, as they became their own people, able to think for themselves and have their own ideas. He just wants to be the boss at home. He wants us to act like that fucking labrador he always talked about, the one they had in college, who greeted him at the door with such enthusiasm - he thinks he shouldn't have to do anything to earn it, he should just be adored for his mere presence.
My tendency when things get hard is to put my head down and keep moving forward. I did that for so many years, ignoring the obvious or letting it go by, staying focused on the goals of taking care of the house and the pets and the kids, working or getting a new job or going back to school - whatever needed to be done. I did the all the drudgery (and continue to, no surprise) so that he was free to be "fun Larry."
Every relationship has ups and downs, and, when things are down, you think they'll go back up. So you stick it out, you look ahead, you're patient, you make allowances, you give the person the benefit of the doubt. But, to be honest, at some point, I was starting to realize that he was out of here, at least mentally, and I started to be more honest about where we were at, about how little was holding us together. But the act that he was putting on was a little confusing, so I was kind of holding out hope that things might turn around, or that we could hold it together until things did; believing that we mattered to him at least a little. It was gaslighting, pure and simple - he was faking it while carrying on with her. I just don't understand the motivation for that.
He walked away after 29 years without a backward glance. Stunning. Not one iota of warning, not one syllable of discussion or explanation since he left. He just utterly moved on, completely dropped us, abandoned everything we had. He hasn't made me happy, nor attempted to, for a very long time, but I can't believe this is where I ended up, just dismissed without a thought, just cast off like an empty candy wrapper. When we got married, I never thought he would turn into the person he is now - so selfish, so careless. Shame on me for being an eternal optimist.
All those fake hurt feelings and fake outrage when he left and it turns out he was already involved with Stefanie, already starting a new life (or, rather, living a parallel life). He had the nerve to say "why didn't you stick up for me" that night, knowing that he was in another relationship, had spent the previous night with her - what does he say to himself to justify this in his mind??? How long was he going to carry on this way if Alana hadn't confronted him? That's not normal. Why didn't he just leave? Why put on such a show? Why pretend? Ew, it's so creepy. What did he say to Stefanie when he came home to us? I could tell he was involved with someone, because he was being considerate, offering to stop at the grocery store, taking the recycling. When he bought me the car charger, I knew something was up - he hadn't been genuinely thoughtful in so long. Why didn't he sit down with me and say, let's end this like adults. He knew I was done and he clearly was. Why not give me that modicum of respect? Why couldn't we do this in a civilized way, instead of making it so hurtful and hateful and humiliating? Leaving me to tell everyone, to explain the inexplicable, while he just swans off without a care or a thought of how this impacts the rest of us.
I just want out as fast as possible. I want to wash the stench of him off me finally and completely. All the years I made our life possible, holding down the home front, having his back. But thinking it was worth it, because he wanted what I wanted. I thought we would grow old together, enjoy our grandkids together. I thought we were building something precious together, something that mattered to both of us. He hasn't wanted that in years, if he ever really did. Looking back, he should have been my starter husband, we never should have lasted past 5 years. I never should have stayed with him, had kids with him. I knew what his capacity was, but I thought it was the best I could do.
Jesus, my life is a Jerry Springer episode. Posting that photo of them together before we'd even told people, rubbing my nose in it, like 29 years of my life with him, for him, meant nothing, less than nothing. And now that I look at it, I realize that he posted a video of her singing even before that, letting me know that he is with someone "fun" now. What a dick move, all of it, the petty, disrespectful way he handled all this. I'm embarrassed by him. As soon as we can tie this up, I don't want to be associated with him ever again. Fuck him forever.
I made mistakes, I was mean and judgemental many times. But I was there. I was supportive. We said vows - I was committed to making things work. I moved away from all my friends and my support system in Philly when the kids were so young, so he could pursue his career. Then, when it didn't work out the way he hoped, I bore the brunt. He knows what I did for him, having his children and raising them almost alone, moving when I didn't want to, ignoring his cheating, accomodating his rage. He knows what he owes me and still he ended it this way.
I put up with so much, ignored so much, let so much go by. He got to do whatever he wanted, just stopping by to be a parent and a husband when the mood struck, when it was convenient. I should have put my foot down so many times. I should have made him take care of me and help me and appreciate me. I should I made him hire a mother's helper for me when we moved. I should have made him bring home food from the restaurant, which he never did. I should have made him leave when I caught him cheating. I should have made him be honest about his money (his credit score is 500 - how can you earn that much money and be such a terrible credit risk?) My biggest fear is that he'll drag me down with his financial mess - he's clearly in trouble, is deeply in debt. What the hell has he been spending his money on? Is it drugs? Gambling? His shopping addiction? Other people? Maybe he's been paying Stefanie's bills, or someone else's - there's been several times over the years when he admitted, or I discovered, that he was giving someone (both men and women) money.
Lots of people think he's back on drugs. RK does. CG does. AB does too. That's almost the first thing B asked me. Alana saw him hide a baggie of pills not long ago. Maybe. He drinks like a fish now. He never did that until the last few years. In recent months, he would come home from work and drink out of the bottle. He drove home from bars drunk many times; I was worried he would kill someone and we'd get sued and lose the house. He had the nerve to say to me once "you don't know how to have fun," but I don't have to get obliterated, get numb, to have a good time. And he doesn't need cocaine or other drugs to be a selfish jerk. He doesn't need cocaine to walk away from his family.
He can't stand not being the center of attention; he can't even share the spotlight with his kids. He can't stand being held accountable, having expectations that he doesn't meet. He pretends, so we're all supposed to pretend - that everything's alright, that he's alright. Why didn't he leave when I asked him to, in 2013? He begged and pleaded to stay. But why? He didn't want to do it anymore, I knew that. Maybe he just wanted to maintain the illusion. Or maybe he wasn't set up yet - wasn't confident about his prospects until he started being the fake rock star to the bar fly crowd that he's been with karaoke; the "featured singer" in Henry's FB Live show. What a shallow person. But why didn't he just be honest about wanting to leave, why put us all through this charade?
And he's definitely picked his level, in Watertown. No one to challenge him, no one smarter than him in the room. No one more successful. He can be the standout in that crowd. How many of those people have been abroad, been to college, even been out of the state, out of the area? Their world is so small, he can be the shining star in it. He's so transparent. He can smoke and drink and get his dick sucked (figuratively and literally) and no one will question him or be disappointed in him or expect anything from him. They will be grateful for his presence, for whatever he's willing to give, and not even think to ask for more.
Meanwhile, I will continue to live a life without him. He's figured so little in my life for so long, especially the last couple of years. He never did much of anything with the family anyway. Wouldn't take off weekends, wouldn't take his vacation time. Didn't want to do stuff with the kids. Didn't like the Jewish stuff. I made all the plans, when there were plans to be made. I dragged him along sometimes, but he made it plain that he didn't want to be a part of what we were doing. That last trip, to Disney, was such a fiasco, exhausting, and he was petulant most of the time. It's not pleasant to be with him anymore. He's never been in the canoe. He never went fising with us this whole past summer. The hike we took in September was a fiasco, him taking pictures of just himself, storming off towards the end. Those dance lessons were just painful. Even the things we used to enjoy - movies, going out to eat, playing cards - had become a chore - his restlessness, watching the clock, ready to leave at the earliest moment, to go back to his real life, his "fun" life. Always telegraphing how little his family mattered to him.
Now I'm stuck getting the house ready to sell - getting repairs done, getting the inspection, cleaning out the whole house by myself. And I had to contact the lawyer and the real estate agent. He's done exactly nothing except take the personal things that he wants, leaving me the rest to deal with. And he hasn't been in touch with Matt or Alana at all. wtf?
It's not like things will even change much for me, other than my address - I have a separate life already: the kids, my friends, my book club, my Democratic Committee and Board meetings. It will be a relief not to have to accommodate him anymore, tolerate his moods, his so-called sense of humor. And maybe, just maybe, I can find someone nice, someone to treat me like a whole person, instead of an appendage, a groupie, a bit player in The Larry Show.
MOVIE SCENES THAT HAVE BEEN ON MY MIND
That Thing You Do: I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you...shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight.
Moonstruck: Get rid of all evidence of her and bring me a big glass of vodka.
Footloose: I was about done with you anyway.
