Heartbreaking

I was never good at dating and, now that I'm back in the game, I see that the game is no easier. I thought with less at stake - I'm not looking for husband material, for a father for my children - it would be easier. I just want someone nice and interesting - someone to canoe with, to have dinner with, someone to listen when I talk. I feel like my standards are pretty low - I'm pretty flexible. But wow, this is not fun. 

So many fake accounts and scammers. You have to approach this process with a healthy dose of skepticism.

I met a new guy on one of the several apps I'm trying. He seemed pretty great. He's a bit arrogant and he talks way more than he listens, but he's funny in a way I find funny, and he seemed to genuinely think I was pretty and interesting, and he liked that I was smart. A heady combination. We chatted on the app and then texted and then talked on the phone. He would send me cute texts during the day, "thinking of you virtually," stuff like that. Things were progressing and it felt normal and natural. And fun.

Then we talked on the phone again and he was completely different. Intense and dark and almost mean. I tried to lighten the mood a few times, but he was really in a mode. I could tell it was falling apart. 

It's not that I was in love or that I thought he was the perfect guy, but I had invested quite a bit of time at that point (I mean, a week, but it felt like a lot) and, much more importantly, I had invested a lot of emotional energy - getting to know him, imagining how we might, um, interact in a variety of contexts.

It feels really shitty to have it all evaporate so abruptly. He was so altered, I wondered if he had been drinking - some people get morose and bitter when they drink. Or maybe he just wanted to ruin it, for whatever reason.

I called him the next day at the arranged time, but it went to voicemail before the first ring finished. Wow, he wouldn't even end it with a little courtesy. I wonder what he is telling himself about me to justify shutting me down like that - I'm crazy? I'm a bitch? I can't imagine.

I'm trying to approach this process with as much honesty as possible. I changed my profiles to be more blunt: don't start your message "hey pretty," I have a PhD, if that bothers you, move on - stuff like that.  I want someone who wants someone like the real me. 

But this is exhausting and discouraging. Of course, if I am honest, I had a lot of false starts when I was younger too. Men who seemed smart and interesting, but turned out to be neurotic, or kind of mean, or just not right for me. And men who lost interest in me for no apparent reason, after a promising beginning. 

I keep thinking of that scene in You've Got Mail, when Tom Hanks is talking to his dad:

Nelson Fox: I just have to meet someone new, that's all. That's the easy part.

Joe Fox: Oh right, yeah, a snap to find the one single person in the world who fills your heart with joy.

Nelson Fox: Well, don't be ridiculous. Have I ever been with anyone who fit that description? Have you?