Book club debacle

I had such a terrible experience at the book club tonight. I think it might be my 1st real negative experience since I moved to Grand Forks. 

To be honest, I was somewhat trepidacious about going, thinking they weren't really gonna be my people. They certainly weren't. All younger than me, as I expected. I didn't feel uncomfortable talking about the book, but I didn't really feel a part of the conversation either, though I loved the book, Tommy Orange's There There. 

They were making some interesting comments about the book, but they didn't seem to know anything about it. It was a very buzzy book when it came out a couple years ago.

Then I was trying to explain how I liked the book partly because it was so confrontational and I said I like a book that punches you in the face and doesn't care if you don't like it. And this woman, Shannon, the obvious Queen of the Club, interrupted me to scold me about not understanding violence and "if I just turned it around and saw it from someone else's perspective"...as if I was talking literally about violence. So I said "I meant rhetorically not literally" and she continued to scold me. She said something about if I'd just read more books I'd understand (like her I suppose) or something like that. This after I introduced myself as a librarian. I mean, this bitch has known me for 45 minutes and she's perfectly comfortable attacking my worldview and making assumptions about me, including that I don't read enough, even though I'm 25 years older than her and she knows absolutely nothing about me. 

I was telling my friend Sandy about it later and I realized it was eerily similar to a weird argument I had with Liz on Facebook, where she misunderstood something I said to be denying the existence of domestic violence, which was even more obnoxious than this bitch tonight because she knew me quite well and she should have known I would never believe that. 

Maybe the thing tonight was just Millennials versus Boomers. I don't think of myself as a Boomer so I'm always surprised when I get that reaction, like I got from Rachel's daughter Jamie about student loan debt (I couldn't possibly understand what it's like, though I myself have a student loan in my 50s).

Or maybe I just piss some people off. I mean, I do just piss some people off and I suppose I was overdue to piss someone off in North Dakota. If Shannon the Queen was a guy, I would have said she was dick swinging, but regardless, she was making sure I knew she was King Shit Super Reader. Which I did and I do and I really can't be bothered to unpack or address this because fuck her, she's welcome to be the Queen of her little club and I'll go find "my people" who are out there (I know because I found, and left, a bunch of them in Syracuse) who aren't intimidated by someone who is a "person of information" and actually comprehends shit and speaks coherently about them and doesn't cede the Smartest Person in the Room ground to you.

I was particularly disappointed tonight because the facilitator just let her scold me and didn't say anything to try and dissipate the tension. When I got up and left a few minutes later, she said something about "hope you come back," which is hilarious because of course I would never and they wouldn't want me to.

And on top of the shitty company, there's nothing for me to eat or drink at the local brew pubs! Get a gluten free roll for your sandwiches, you lazy fucks! And stock some decent hard cider. It's not that difficult!

ADDENDUM

I decided to write an email to the usual facilitator of the group, who was not there. And she very kindly wrote back and apologized and ask me to share the deets if I was willing, so I did:

Look, I can clearly see that Shannon is the Queen of the Pints and Pages book club and I'm not going to get very far criticizing her. And I wouldn't return regardless. But I do think her behavior was appalling and not the way to encourage new members, or even veteran members, to feel comfortable in the group. 

Basically, what happened was, I was trying to explain how I liked the book (There There) partly because it's so unconventional and I said something like, I like a book that punches you in the face and doesn't care if you don't like it. In retrospect, not a very good choice of words, admittedly. Shannon interrupted me before I finished my sentence to scold me about demeaning the victims of violence (I guess), saying something like if I just "turned it around and saw it from someone else's perspective"...as if I was talking literally about violence. So I said, "I meant rhetorically not literally" and she continued to scold me. She said something about if I'd just read more books, I'd understand. Confronting someone for their opinion, whether you are misinterpreting it or not, is not cool. And invalidating my contribution is not acceptable book club behavior, in my humble opinion. I've been sitting across from her for barely 45 minutes and she knows virtually nothing about me. I would never feel comfortable doing this to anyone, let alone someone who ventured out to a group where they are a stranger and everyone else knows each other.

I know you weren't there and might have handled the situation quite differently, but the person who was facilitating (I'm sorry, I've forgotten her name) said nothing. Didn't try to dissipate the tension or anything. I tried to stay engaged, but it was super awkward. [What I considered saying was that I wanted to make a sharp retort but I'm a grown ass woman so I behaved appropriately, unlike the way I was treated!] I left a few minutes later, when Shannon started showing a video of her husband's hobby.

I understand that all groups and clubs have their own culture and I'm not trying to negate the dynamics of this one. There is clearly a core group of people who attend and enjoy it (but that can pose a barrier to new people joining, as I'm sure you are aware). And not every group is a good fit for every person, which is why I'm visiting all the book clubs to see which one is a good fit for me. But there's a difference between culture and just common courtesy, which is why I'm taking the time to write this lengthy missive.

I facilitated a book club in the past and I twice had to deal with people who were domineering and perceived as rude, and it wasn't comfortable or ultimately resolved in a completely satisfactory way. And I don't expect anything at all from this interaction with you, except to convey my experience honestly since you asked.

Good luck with the group and I hope to see you in the library sometime soon.