Random randomness

Yesterday I cried in front of the kids, which I rarely do. Not about any particular thing, but just a lot of things that feel difficult and frustrating (including that I had yelled at them the day before). I didn't want to scare them, especially since I've noticed that they are both a bit more clingy and anxious when they can't find me or think I'm leaving (due, I'm sure, to Noah's passing). But it's hard, no, it's impossible, for me to always just soldier on.

I see the doctor in a few weeks; we talked about SAD last year. I don't want to go on medication, but I'm thinking of buying a full spectrum light. I've considered it for years, but it's expensive, and I couldn't bring myself to get one. I think that may be a more appropriate BD present this year than the books and DVDs that I want (2 full seasons of Mad Men among others!)