Feeling sorry for myself

I'm totally exhausted this morning because I had a big fight with my sister last night right before I was ready to go to bed. It started as a snippy little email exchange earlier in the day, but then she called me (which she never does) and she'd apparently gotten herself all worked up in the meantime. She was yelling and calling me a bitch and really trying to pin me to the wall. I don't think we ever had a fight like that. Years ago, before my dad died, we fought all the time, but it was just pathetic, looking back. Then we sort of declared a truce, after he died, and we've been cordial ever since. But apparently she thinks I've been a total bitch for years and she's never told me. Oh well. She's a wreck, which she admits, so the main problem, according to her, is that I'm not tolerant enough. Which is probably true, but it's hard to tell someone that when they're yelling and cursing at you. We didn't solve anything, but we got off the phone eventually. Supposedly we're going to talk again and "resolve" this, but I don't have high hopes about that, at least not right now. She needed to vent and that's o.k., but it's not like we came to a higher understanding. Too bad life isn't a sitcom, where people fight and then make up, all in 22 minutes.

ADDENDUM - the next day

Still feeling blue. I watched my wedding video recently with my kids - I hadn't seen it in ages. In it was one of my old friends, Sandy, who held one of the huppa poles (a major honor). Around the holidays last year, I wrote a letter to her. I hadn't heard from her in ages and I had tried to find a phone number for her and wasn't able to. Imagine my surprise when I got a letter back saying she hadn't considered me a friend for a long time and please don't correspond with her anymore. Wow. She and I had almost nothing in common (other than growing up in the same small town) and we barely stayed in touch, but it really bothered me. It still bothers me. I still have a pillow that she made for me over 20 years ago. It just seems weird that she's out of my orbit completely now. I got to thinking about that yet again, after the fight with my sister. I was really offended that Sandy did that, but I can understand, if she felt like it was completely one-sided (I don't agree that it was, but people feel what they feel). It seems related somehow. I was annoyed that Sandy did that, but I feel the same way about my sister - there's so little interaction and I feel frustrated about it when it does happen, and I feel like it wouldn't make any difference if there was none. Which I said to my sister, and she was totally infuriated about it. Which is exactly how I would have reacted - if I'd had the chance - to Sandy. So I keep going around and around in my mind. Of course, I didn't tell my sister to never contact me again, though I wanted to (it would be absurdly melodramatic to do that anyway - it was absurdly melodramatic that Sandy said that to me). But I do feel like my only choice here is the same as what Sandy thought (apparently) - accept what (little!) they offer and be happy about it. But I'm NOT happy about it. Do I have to pretend? I mean, my father is deceased, and I HATE that, I get nothing from my mother, and I HATE that, and I get little from my sister, and I HATE that. I guess it's not fair to put that on her, but that's how I feel! Maybe the best course of action is to pretend that it doesn't bother me, but that's HARD!