Election humor

I don't generally find this columnist from our local paper (The Post Standard) all that funny, but I was laughing out loud on the bus this morning, and found myself thinking about his comments all day.

http://www.syracuse.com/articles/kramer/index.ssf?/base/living-0/1202205376318040.xml

Kramer's guide to who is really on the ballots

Well, here we are. It's Super Tuesday, that blockbuster semi-national primary when nearly half the states pick the presidential nominees while the other states stay home doing laundry and reading online personals.

Here in New York, we've made the "A" list. Only California - with 36 million people and twice that many delegates - figures more prominently in today's VOTE TO DETERMINE OUR NATION'S FUTURE.

Let's review who's running for president:

Democrats:
Ö Hillary Clinton, warm-spontaneous version.
Ö Hillary Clinton, cold-calculating version.
Ö Bill Clinton, inappropriate, possibly intoxicated version.
Ö Bill Clinton, temporarily muzzled, quietly supportive, Philandering Lite version.
Ö Barack Obama (Oprah).

As of this writing the Dems are in a dead heat, depending on which poll you believe, which should be none of them.

Republicans:
Ö John McCain, U.S. senator, old.
Ö Mitt Romney, ex-Mass. governor, shiny.
Ö Aldous Huxley, formerly obese.
Ö Ron Paul. (Exists only online at www.nochanceinhelltowinbutdonatetomywebsiteanyway.com)

McCain again, according to the polls is widely considered the GOP frontrunner in New York state, as well as nationally, although many pundits argue that if Romney were to take a position and stick to it any position, even, for example, stating unequivocally that turnips are root vegetables he would greatly improve his chances.

Romney does have the best teeth in the field. They are extremely white and even.

Super Tuesday is especially urgent for Republicans because most of their primaries are winner-take-all. That's potentially bad news for Mitt Romney because finishing second in individual states won't help him. On the other hand, if he does reasonably well today he'll win the opportunity to blow even more of his absurdly vast personal fortune before he eventually loses the nomination to McCain anyway.

That can't be playing well with Mitt's five devastatingly handsome son clones. In fact, if I were Mitt, I'd be keeping a close eye on the boys to make sure they don't hop off the "Mitt Mobile" and onto McCain's Straight Talk Express. Could you blame them? If my old man were tossing my inheritance down the toilet at this rate, I wouldn't be driving around in a "Kramer Mobile" telling everyone how great he is. I'd be seeking a restraining order.

Democrats, on the other hand, apportion delegates based on the percentage of the vote each delegate receives. For that reason, it's possible that neither Hillary, Bill nor Obama will emerge as a clear winner based on tonight's results. In one worst-case scenario, the three of them would have to pretend to like each other for months until party leaders unleashed them on the floor of the convention to brawl like wild curs.